Joke thread :D

[iProxxy]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[cartmen838213]

There once was this kid named Timmy. One day he comes home from school and goes up to his mom and says, "MOM! i had sex today!". His mom says, "Thats bad Timmy, go to your room until your dad gets home". So Timmy went to his room and waited for his dad, when his dad came home he went to Timmy's room and asked Timmy what he did. Timmy said "i had sex in school!". His father responded, "Good job Timmy! im going to buy you a new bike!". So Timmy's dad gets him a bike, but it sits in the garage and Timmy doesnt touch it, so one day his dad asks him why he hasnt used his bike. Timmy says,

"My butt still hurts."

[JustOnePanda]

There once was this kid named Timmy. One day he comes home from school and goes up to his mom and says, "MOM! i had sex today!". His mom says, "Thats bad Timmy, go to your room until your dad gets home". So Timmy went to his room and waited for his dad, when his dad came home he went to Timmy's room and asked Timmy what he did. Timmy said "i had sex in school!". His father responded, "Good job Timmy! im going to buy you a new bike!". So Timmy's dad gets him a bike, but it sits in the garage and Timmy doesnt touch it, so one day his dad asks him why he hasnt used his bike. Timmy says,

"My butt still hurts."

LOL oh god that's so funny and wrong at the same time

[Cartoonman]

"'Taft in a wet t-shirt contest' is the key image here"

[Intertoothh]

Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused.
The third drunk looks at him and says:

"You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk!"

[aliknes]

Ok a Jew and a rabbi walk into a bar. Wait why are they in a bar

[Helio_]

wanna hear a penis joke.......... nevermind its too long anyways

wanna hear a vagina joke........ you wouldnt get it anyways

[DreamingInsane]

wanna hear a penis joke.......... nevermind its too long anyways

wanna hear a vagina joke........ you wouldnt get it anyways

I love you.

[dontstephere]

Queen Elizabeth was visiting a hospital, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God", said the queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

A doctor explained: "I'm sorry your majesty, but this man has a very serious condition. His testicles are constantly over-full of semen. If he doesn't
masturbate at least 5 times a day, he'll be in excruciating pain.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," said the Queen. "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed."

On the same floor, they then pass a room in which the Queen could clearly see a young nurse sucking a patient's cock!"

"Oh my God!" the Queen shrieked. "What's going on in there?!" The doctor explains: "Same problem, better health plan!"

[bluehulk4]

Read till the end it's worth it.

A little boy walked into the kitchen and his mum burn herself on the hotplate and yelled fuck the little boy asked "mum what does fuck mean?"
His mother said "um its another word for stuffing the chicken and the little boy said ok and walked upstairs where his dad was making shelf's and doing woodwork he put a nail in his thumb and yelled shit the little boy asked what does shit mean?
his farther replied um it means making woodwork for yourself and the little boy said ok
then the doorbell rang an the little boy opened the doors it was the mailman and hes asked "where are you parents?" the little boy answered

MUMS DOWNSTAIRS FUCKING THE CHICKEN AND DADS UPSTAIRS SHITTING HIMSELF.

[kattoo]

What's the hardest part about cooking vegetables?

-Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

This one is dedicated to Lim-Dul.

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole?

A pedophile.

Oh, and this last one might be a bit racist, let me know if you want me to delete it (I probably won't do it anyway):

When does a black woman know she's pregnant?

When she pulls out her tampon and finds all the cotton picked out.