Joke thread :D

[Darklight]

How has no one thought of doing this yet? Post jokes you find that are funny here so we can have a good laugh. And while I dont expect them to be kept clean, DO NOT make racial jokes, as im sure it will get you in severe trouble

KGO.

[Darklight]

Heres one that I found today:

Sterility is hereditary: If your grandfather didn't have children and your father didn't have children, you won't have children either.

[Sanjar Khan]

Why did the black jewish chicken cross the road

[Darklight]

[Intertoothh]

Why did the black jewish chicken cross the road

They wanted to get to the other side?

[Ollieboy]

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

TO KEEP THEIR NUTS DRY.

Yeah shut the fuck up I know I've said it before but I do rather enjoy it.

[Sanjar Khan]

Why did the black jewish chicken cross the road

They wanted to get to the other side?

He was herded across, to be put to work on my cotton farm.

[barrowboyjames]

3 kids are talking about smoking

The first says, "My dad can blow smoke rings!"

The second says, "Mine can blow smoke out of his eyes!"

The third then said, "Mine can out his butt, I haven't seen it, but I've seen the tobaco marks on his underwear!"

[Bazingabbt2]

Hmm not racist jokes damn thats all the jokes i know

[SnowfireX]

Mm I've got a few:

What's the good thing about twenty one year olds?

Show

There's twenty of them >:D

What's the difference between a top-notch ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

Show

The ferrari's not in my garage.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Show

Nothing. She's already been told twice.

How do you make a PLUMBER cry?

Show

Kill his family.

[xKoreaNx]

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Amidoinitrite?

[ABadAnimator]

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Amidoinitrite?

I laughed...

unfortunately I can't post any jokes here, because the only ones I know are ripped off of other websites

[Ollieboy]

Who cares? It's about a collection of jokes, not original jokes.

[Ollieboy]

And on that note, here are the top 10 funniest jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival!

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long

so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks.

That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what?

So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought...

once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to.

Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention,

because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8 ) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex.

Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience.

I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ...

Heroin."

[Bloody_Llama]

Velveeta

[ABadAnimator]

In that case, I have a joke although I have no idea how old it is (you all probably heard it before).

A boy went up to his father and asked "Dad, who did I get my intelligence from?"

The dad thinks a little bit, then says "hmm... you must've gotten your intelligence from your mother.. Because I still have mine."


***I forgot the name of the website where I originally found this joke

[DreamingInsane]

What is red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Amidoinitrite?

I puked at the thought of this.

[Shreebz]

What does a Jewish pedophile say?

HEY, HEY, HEY... easy on the candy.

[Ollieboy]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and says "Excuse me sir, but can I pwease buy a wabbit?"

The pet shop owner says "Well sure littler girl, would you like a cute wittle brown wabbit, or a cute wittle white wabbit?"

And the girl said "Frankly, sir, I don't think my python gives a fuck."

[iProxxy]

This is just wrong!

[Helio_]

What happens when Steve gets a boner?

He gets a cock-block!

[iProxxy]

What happens when Steve gets a boner?

He gets a cock-block!

[PyroPyro]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Show

Nothing. She's already been told twice.

[barrowboyjames]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Show

A blind deer, it still has feelings you know!

[Darklight]

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.
Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.
So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.
She continued on her way to the hospital, checked in and it turned out that she and her babies were fine.

16 years later
The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"
"What?"
I pissed out a bullet.
So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."
So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"
The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

Show

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[McLaughlinKid]

Are yo mama jokes acceptable?

[Ollieboy]

Any non-overly-racist jokes are fine.

[JustOnePanda]

Hey wanna hear a joke?

Show

Young Money

[iProxxy]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[iProxxy]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."